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Friday, July 1, 2011

Things That Seem Awesome

Yesterday, I had to go to the dentist.  It was one of those experiences that was not at all pleasant, but for which I am grateful in the long-run.  That made me think about this list.

Things that Are Awesome Unless They're Happening to You: 
The Dentist Version

1)  Novocaine

Novocaine is really awesome.  Considering the alternative is unmedicated oral surgery, Novocaine is fabulous.  And I really like that dentists always numb your mouth before they give you the shot that numbs your mouth, just so you won't feel the pain of the shot.  That is very nice of them.

But have you ever looked at that frickin' syringe?  It's like, four inches long!  I'm always terrified that they are going to stick the needle all the way through my cheek and turn me into a female version of Hell Raiser.  Seriously, I've got pretty chubby cheeks, and even my cheek isn't that thick!  That, and I always end up getting the shot directly on my nerve, which hurts like all get-out.

Oh, and did I mention I'm apparently part-cyborg and resistant to the numbing meds?  So it takes twice as much Novocaine as usual to get me numb.  I figured this out the first time they started drilling and I could still feel it!  Not.  Cool.

And then there's the whole being numb thing.  Because it takes extra, I end up numb on one entire side of my head.  Scalp, ear, eyelid, jaw, lips, cheek--everything numb.  Not necessarily a terrible thing, but very, very weird.  So I go around for the rest of the day looking like Quasimodo, only able to smile with half of my face and drooling out of the other side.  Awesome.

2) X-Rays

I'm glad that doctors and dentists have a way to look inside of me without having to take me apart. That is awesome. I'm also glad that they have lead aprons that keep me from shriveling up like the guy at the end of Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. Also awesome.

But every time I get an x-ray, all I can think is, "Is this the time when I turn into the Incredible She-Hulk? What will my x-man powers be? I hope it's not a stupid power like Mr. Fantastic. I hope it's flight. But what if I am a bad guy? What if my power makes me the super villain?"

Granted this is not like, horrible, or anything, but it does concern me.

(And yes, I realize I may be confusing x-rays, radiation, gamma rays, radioactive spiders, genetic mutations, and something that happened in space that I can't remember. They're all pretty much the same to me.)

3)  Dental Procedures in General

I am definitely a fan of dentistry.  Two of my uncles are dentists.  Dentists keep your teeth pretty and looking nice and since the alternative is having your teeth fall out, dentists are awesome.

However, when you are in the middle of a procedure, it does not feel awesome.  It feels like someone is trying to torture a confession out of you.  They're holding your mouth wide open, sticking drills and whatnots into it, and putting all kinds of chemicals in there.  I kept thinking, don't sneeze, don't swallow, don't twitch, because if I do, I will make him slip and he'll drill a hole in the roof of my mouth like a whale!


All in all, I cannot complain about my trip to the dentist.  They have this amazing technology that lets them make a crown for you right there while you are sitting in the chair, and then they put it on in like an hour.  No more temporary crowns and having to come back days later and get the real one.  And they use this 3D imaging laser camera.  That was awesome.  And like I said, Novocaine is awesome because I would die if I had to do that without painkillers.  Plus, back in Dr. Quinn days, if you had a sore tooth, they just pulled it out!  Gahh!

So yeah, I'm very grateful.  But when it's happening to you, your primal instincts kick in, and you can't tell your primal instincts to be grateful for modern medicine and dentistry.  They only know that something scary is happening and that unless you want to be a woolly mammoth's dinner, you should run away, right now.

1 comment:

  1. Don't forget - since Russ and Jeff are dentists, I can work on teeth for half price, just by the rule of association (kind of like the "5-second rule" when one drops something on the floor).