How to Be Awesome at Wallpaper Removal
by Kasey Johnson
Step 1: Pray
You should begin by asking the Lord to give you a forgiving heart toward the previous owners. During this process, you will be tempted to call down curses upon them, their progeny, their livestock and their manservants, but resist. Furthermore, you will need to arm yourself with the full armor of God, because this is a battle the likes of which has not been seen since Mordor. Satan was the creator of wallpaper - he did not leave this task to one of his mere minions. No no, the Prince of Darkness himself is responsible, so you are going to need all the help you can get.
Step 2: Seek out the weapons of mercy at Home Depot
You will need:
- a wallpaper scorer (a little round thing with razors inside)
- wallpaper removal stuff (liquid or concentrate)
- a commercial steamer (it's like $25 a day and I guarantee you will tear out your eyeballs without it)
- plastic putty knives (less likely to gouge the wall, although wall gouging is an unfortunate inevitability)
Step 3: Pray again
Just to be safe.
Step 4: Score the wallpaper
Remember, this is a battle. Do not merely run the tool over the wall lightly. You should scrub, HARD, as though you are trying to erase the stain of sin from your soul. Go over it and over it in a circular motion - you will notice the little holes being torn in the paper. This is to allow the wallpaper removal stuff to soak better.
Step 5: Spray the wallpaper removal stuff
Douse the wall with this stuff. You want the paper to be WET. Once it begins to dry, do it again. And maybe again. Oh, what the heck, do it again.
Step 6: Use the magical steamer of salvation
I cannot tell you how many hours (okay, well it was at least 10) we wasted trying to scrape off the wallpaper after step 5 with little success. The magical steamer of salvation saved our sanity. Simply run it over the walls to further soak the paper, and then take the plastic putty knife and peel up the paper. At this point it should come right up. However...
Step 7: Curse wallpaper
It was our experience that even after all these steps, sometimes only the top layer of the wallpaper came off. You may still have the backing of the wallpaper on the walls. If the walls feel soft at all, this is the case.
Step 8: Wet the backing and scrape again
If you still have the back of the wallpaper in places on the wall, all it will take at this point is a SOAKING WET sponge. Wet the wall (like, squeeze the sponge on it), possibly twice, and then it should come off pretty easily with the plastic putty knife.
|Wallpaper successfully removed.|
Step 9: Pray again
Thank the Lord that you survived that process and ask Him to give you the wisdom to never install wallpaper, or buy a house with wallpaper again.